On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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