I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
