census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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