new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
