had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
