I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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