I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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