I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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