Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They took my balls.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize