I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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