:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
