Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
