Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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