TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
