she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
