apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
