He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
