There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize