Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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