Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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