goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
