Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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