Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
