is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
