Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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