i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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