why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
