There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
BRING THE BAGELS
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize