Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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