Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
