I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
