I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
