the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
