I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
