why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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