Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
