we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
