Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
