I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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