this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
