My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
