Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Semen is not good for contacts.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
