If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
