Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize