i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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