May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
