She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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