I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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