Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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