You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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