when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
soo... how was my night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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