I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
